The SOPAid (so-pah-eye-eed)

I also do Poetry for Creative Writing, and one of the assignments was to write a satirical epic. I can't remember if there was a word limit, but that's never really bothered me. This is about the struggle against SOPA.

One-score and three years ago (at the time of this publication),

Artisans constructed a vast, infinite heavenly net

By which one could easily gain information,

Or goods, or services, anything they wanted to get.

And as time went on, its mesh became finer

More intricate, and available to greater numbers

But there were always a group of suspicions whiners

Who, as time went on, just seemed to get dumber.

And yes, there were some illicit things

That shouldn’t have been there in the first place

But the proposed solution by those idiot kings

Was like dealing with a blemish by slashing up someone’s face.

A group of impresarios from music and cinema

(Who had never liked anyone sharing their product anyway)

Felt that the net was full of greedy scavengers

And ran crying to the government in a frenzied array

Begging and crying “Please sort this out!

“We’re losing money at an exponential rate!

“And in case you were in any doubt,

“Look at these graphs we totally did not fabricate!

“Those pirates and thieves are making a mockery

“Of our laws and codes and boundaries!

“It’s through other countries they commit robbery

“And manage to avoid being punished roundly!”

The government was moved to defend big business

Like Superman resplendent in red and blue

If Superman was brain-damaged, lacked finesse

And only fought crime when he wanted to.

Their priorities were rather skewed

And they always chose to pick the wrong bone:

“Regulating the banks? Eh, not our feud…

“Someone’s pirating Downton Abbey?! Well, hold the fucking phone!”

They solved problems with explosives

When a scalpel was required

And with disturbing joie de vivre

Did they present a solution nobody else desired.

Those accused of violating copyright

No matter how small the crime, or the charges

Would get their link to the net cut out of spite

And placed for five years behind bars and arches

Effectively granting the impresarios -

Who otherwise had no say in the country’s rule –

The very frightening scenario

Of punishing the common man in a manner most cruel

For a relatively minor trespass!

Certainly not worth a stint in gaol

Or getting kicked hard in the arse

With no hope of redemption or bail.

The potentials for this were troubling indeed

So the artisans constructed a response

Detailing the problems and how they could lead

To halting the net’s ongoing renaissance:

“OK, we understand – don’t get us wrong –

“That the net is being abused by criminals

“But there’s a better solution where we can all get along

“Because as it stands, what we have here is unforgivable.

“Yes, you can close down the piracy dens

“But in that plan we spy a hole:

“The pirates will set up a new site all over again

“So you’re playing a depressing game of Whack-A-Mole.

“You’re not stopping the problem, quite the reverse -

“People will just use thinner, more perilous threads

“To get back on the net, but more adverse

“To getting their bank accounts completely bled

“Dry, robbed of all their worldly goods.

“But much more perilous to the net’s existence

“Is that using these unreliable strings could

“Lead to the net itself breaking without much resistance.

“See, we’re the ones who wove this delicate tapestry

“We know a little bit about how it works

“So tampering with it will cause much travesty

“Please. Leave it to us and stop being jerks.

“We hear you cry, ‘But what about the foreigners

“‘Who continually plot to undermine our interests?

“‘Even now, they sit, scheme and murmur

“‘It is only right for us to be belligerent!

“First of all, congratulations for implying

“That your enemies are all outside the US -

“Such xenophobia you’re applying

“To this situation, but we digress:

“All you’re doing is blacklisting

“A large chunk of the net from everyone else.

“When China and Iran did it, you made a point of resisting

“But apparently it’s OK if it’s under YOUR belts.

“Do you know how many services are

“Accessible only from here?

“The other countries will denounce you as tsars

“When you make what they love disappear,

“Gone from sight, but not from mind

“You don’t think they won’t kick up a storm?

“Surely you cannot be so blind

“To see the problems that would form.

“And if you want us to defend music and cinema

“How about not producing all this swill?

“Like Chris Brown, Zookeeper

“And Jack & Fucking Jill?”

In the face of such furious reason

The kings could have revised their formula

But instead they accused the artisans of treason

Stuck their fingers in their ears and went “La-la-la!”

The librarians and comedians formed protests

To convince the kings this law needed to be shelved

But the soldiers stabbed one offender in the chest

And left him to bleed for an hour and twelve.

In retaliation, the faceless gentlemen

Ransacked their strongholds and set them alight

And once everyone had got past the adrenaline

They realised: something wasn’t quite right.

The new law was being introduced

To curb and destroy those who acted without grace

But if they could do this already, without any boost,

Why did they need the law in the first place?

Indeed, in the past they had buried a news outlet

So thoroughly they had left no trace.

It soon became clear we faced a bigger threat:

One against the freedoms we must embrace.

They could control what we’ve said and done,

Bury dissent beneath bricks and mortar.

So to those who would reduce our rights to none,

WE WILL GIVE YOU NO QUARTER.