Yeah, it's been a while since the last tour of my iPod. Real life intervened, as it's wont to do, and I didn't have time to do it every Friday. But, on this 24th of December, Phonomancy returns for a noble Yuletide tradition: The Alternative Christmas Playlist.
December sends all manner of chills down our spines, and not just physical. There's the chill of having to set up the decorations, untangling lights from Gordian knots, and buying plastic Christmas trees (and if you bought a real one, have fun cleaning up all those pine needles). There's the chill of asking your loved ones what they want this year, fighting beleaguered parents and partners to the death to claim one for your own, and desperately beating the traffic to wrap it up. There's the weather, there's setting up dinner, there's making sure you're within postage dates, and there's the dread horror of the neverending unchanging music that is absolutely everywhere even in your dreams.
Some people like cheery goodtime holiday music, and I would never begrudge them their joy, but no type of music is more stagnant than Christmas tunes. Very little is new, and even less has a chance of getting big and becoming another standard. What was the most recent song to truly make it big in the last twenty or so years? "All I Want for Christmas is You", undeniably. "Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End) by The Darkness, possibly. I haven't heard that one get played to death, but it does get a lot of playtime. We here in the UK didn't have to suffer Mannheim Steamroller like they do across the Atlantic, and we're mostly safe from awful Christian rock like "Christmas Shoes", but we also have the annual tradition of the Christmas Number One.
I'm a bit surprised how big a deal it is over here than other countries. Record sales usually hit their peak in the weeks leading up to Christmas in the UK, so getting number one around this time earns the musician (or, more likely, the record company) a little crown for most units shifted. The easiest way to get that is a song about the holiday, but not always; The Beatles have more Christmas number ones than anyone else, and they're all decidedly un-wintery affairs like "Day Tripper", "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and "Hello, Goodbye".
With the unstoppable rise of Simon Cowell and his evil reality-TV empire, the Christmas number one has the very dangerous chance of going to the winner of Pop Idol or The X Factor, who notches that one hit single and then sinks without a trace. Looking over the data, however, that trend gets bucked; Girls Aloud won Popstars: The Rivals and the Number One spot with "Sound of the Underground", but they continued to achieve success and avoided being a flash in the pan. In fact, it was only last week an X Factor winner got the Number One, with Sam Bailey. But the stretch of time from 2005 to 2008 was a dark one indeed, with Shayne Ward, Leona Lewis, Leon Jackson and Alexandra Burke taking it like bland vapid Vikings and making lots of money for SyCo. It was so bad that a successful counter-protest was launched in 2009 to get "Killing In The Name" by Rage Against the Machine at the top. SyCo may not have had the Number One the most, but oh God was it depressing seeing it on top for what felt like forever.
So fuck it. I'm joining in with all the hipsters and putting together my own alternative Christmas playlist. No Wham!, no Pogues, no Michael fucking Bublé. I set myself some rules while curating this:
December sends all manner of chills down our spines, and not just physical. There's the chill of having to set up the decorations, untangling lights from Gordian knots, and buying plastic Christmas trees (and if you bought a real one, have fun cleaning up all those pine needles). There's the chill of asking your loved ones what they want this year, fighting beleaguered parents and partners to the death to claim one for your own, and desperately beating the traffic to wrap it up. There's the weather, there's setting up dinner, there's making sure you're within postage dates, and there's the dread horror of the neverending unchanging music that is absolutely everywhere even in your dreams.
Some people like cheery goodtime holiday music, and I would never begrudge them their joy, but no type of music is more stagnant than Christmas tunes. Very little is new, and even less has a chance of getting big and becoming another standard. What was the most recent song to truly make it big in the last twenty or so years? "All I Want for Christmas is You", undeniably. "Christmas Time (Don't Let the Bells End) by The Darkness, possibly. I haven't heard that one get played to death, but it does get a lot of playtime. We here in the UK didn't have to suffer Mannheim Steamroller like they do across the Atlantic, and we're mostly safe from awful Christian rock like "Christmas Shoes", but we also have the annual tradition of the Christmas Number One.
I'm a bit surprised how big a deal it is over here than other countries. Record sales usually hit their peak in the weeks leading up to Christmas in the UK, so getting number one around this time earns the musician (or, more likely, the record company) a little crown for most units shifted. The easiest way to get that is a song about the holiday, but not always; The Beatles have more Christmas number ones than anyone else, and they're all decidedly un-wintery affairs like "Day Tripper", "I Want to Hold Your Hand" and "Hello, Goodbye".
With the unstoppable rise of Simon Cowell and his evil reality-TV empire, the Christmas number one has the very dangerous chance of going to the winner of Pop Idol or The X Factor, who notches that one hit single and then sinks without a trace. Looking over the data, however, that trend gets bucked; Girls Aloud won Popstars: The Rivals and the Number One spot with "Sound of the Underground", but they continued to achieve success and avoided being a flash in the pan. In fact, it was only last week an X Factor winner got the Number One, with Sam Bailey. But the stretch of time from 2005 to 2008 was a dark one indeed, with Shayne Ward, Leona Lewis, Leon Jackson and Alexandra Burke taking it like bland vapid Vikings and making lots of money for SyCo. It was so bad that a successful counter-protest was launched in 2009 to get "Killing In The Name" by Rage Against the Machine at the top. SyCo may not have had the Number One the most, but oh God was it depressing seeing it on top for what felt like forever.
So fuck it. I'm joining in with all the hipsters and putting together my own alternative Christmas playlist. No Wham!, no Pogues, no Michael fucking Bublé. I set myself some rules while curating this:
- No Christmas Number Ones. This meant ruling out songs I really liked, including the Pet Shop Boys' cover of "Always on My Mind" and The Darkness. The point of this playlist is that they're meant to be songs not heard by everyone. I'm highlighting overlooked gems or classics here.
- Very little cynicism or "funny" choices. Bad Religion's Christmas records are good for a laugh, but it's fleeting. Also, 'tis the season for peace on Earth and goodwill to all men, and I want that emphasised. Christmas is the one time of year when we shouldn't be cocks to each other. The only two songs I have here that are close to cynicism are by Tom Waits and Lou Reed, a) because they're really good at this shit; b) they're excellent storytellers in their music; and c) there's a loneliness to Christmas as well. Not everyone finds themselves celebrating with their families, and joy means more if there's sorrow beforehand. As the recently-late Mr Reed said, "there's a bit of magic in everything, and a little loss to even it out".
- Must relate to Christmas or winter in some way, lyrically or musically. Anything that doesn't mention Christmas, or has it in the title, I chose because it has a certain "feel" to it that evokes the season. "The Devil is in the Details" by Hanna is the soundtrack for a film set in Finland, and has a very fairy tale vibe to it; the whistles and fairground carnival music in "Devil" matches that, while also feeling kinda Christmassy in its own right.
From all of us here at The Airtight Garage to all of you: have a very Merry Christmas/Holidays/Saturnalia/whatever you celebrate. Get drunk, feel your waistline expand comfortably while watching The Great Escape, and keep safe. See you in 2014.
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